Parenting is a profound journey filled with love, challenges, and countless opportunities for growth. While the love of parents runs as deep as the ocean, the quality of that love can vary significantly. The key to effective parenting lies not in a parent's educational background, income, or social status, but rather in their understanding of their children and their ability to handle details with finesse.
Renowned educator Tao Xingzhi once had a remarkable encounter known as the "Four Candies" story. As the principal of a school, he witnessed a young boy about to hurl a brick at a classmate. Swiftly intervening, Tao asked the boy to wait for him in his office. After gathering the facts, Tao returned to the office and, to the boy's surprise, presented him with a candy, commending him for being more punctual than expected.紧接着，他又拿出一颗糖递给男孩，说道：“我制止你打人，你马上就停手了，这说明你尊重我。”随后，陶行知因男孩出于正义感，为保护女生才想砸那些欺负人的同学，奖励了他第三颗糖。最后，男孩主动向陶行知承认错误，意识到无论如何都不该对同学动手。听到男孩的诚恳认错，陶行知又给了他一颗糖。在整个过程中，陶行知始终和颜悦色，话语轻柔，没有一句指责，却巧妙地 achieved the educational goal.
Educator Sukhomlinsky once wisely said, "In any educational situation, the less the child senses the educator's intentions, the greater the educational effect." On the path of a child's growth, we inevitably encounter various challenges and difficulties. All too often, impatience, anxiety, and criticism only prove ineffective in teaching our children.
Speaking Slowly On Zhihu, a popular question-and-answer platform, someone asked, "Did your parents ever hurt you when you were a child?" A highly upvoted response struck a chord with countless netizens: "My parents' words could plunge me into 30 years of self-doubt; even as an adult, I still struggle with low self-esteem." It's a harsh reminder that our words can have a profound impact on a child's psyche.
Recall the tragic incident of the 17-year-old boy in Shanghai who jumped off a bridge. After having a conflict with a classmate at school, his mother scolded him during the car ride home. In the heat of the moment, an argument ensued, and the boy, in a fit of anger, got out of the car and leaped from the towering Lupu Bridge, losing his life instantly.
Children's inner worlds are delicate and vulnerable. What may seem like a casual comment to a parent can inflict irreparable harm on a child. As the saying goes, "Thinking before speaking can resolve 90% of problems and 100% of misunderstandings." If parents can pause and reflect before addressing their children, speaking with patience and kindness, children will be more receptive.
Actress Anita Yuen once revealed that her relationship with her son was once strained. Her son was reluctant to talk to her, and in a moment of frustration, he even complained to his father, Zhang Chi-lam, in front of her, saying, "I want a new mom!" Desperate for a solution, Anita sought the help of a psychologist and discovered that her self-centeredness had caused her to overlook her son's feelings.
Determined to change, Anita adopted a more gentle and considerate approach to communication. Before making any decisions, she would ask her son, "Do you like it?" When her son made a mistake, instead of immediately scolding him, she would listen to his explanation first and then gently analyze the situation. Gradually, her son's attitude softened, and he became more willing to listen to her.
When parents lower their stance, communicate patiently, gently, and positively with their children, and impart life wisdom in a tender manner, children will feel secure and respected. Only then can education truly take root.
Appearing Calm A news story once left a deep impression, evoking a range of emotions. A young boy's mischievous behavior while doing his homework infuriated his mother, who had come to pick him up from school. On the bus ride home, the boy further antagonized his mother by talking back, pushing her to the brink. In a fit of rage, the mother publicly stripped her son of his clothes and pants and then stormed off the bus without a second glance.
The jeers of onlookers and the sight of people filming with their mobile phones left the young boy bewildered and humiliated. Eventually, the bus driver had to call the police. It's hard to fathom the lasting psychological scars this extreme act must have left on the child.
In 2016, Russian Academy of Sciences researchers conducted an experiment on the impact of different emotions on the brain. They found that when people are in a state of anger, the activity level of the amygdala in the brain drops significantly. This index is directly related to our communication and thinking abilities.
The same holds true in parenting. Losing one's temper at every turn not only fails to solve problems but also harms a child's physical and mental well-being. Jia Rongtao, recognized as one of China's top ten public welfare figures in family education, shared his personal experience in a book.
When his son entered high school, he encountered serious issues: he skipped school every day to go to internet cafes, ranked last in his class, participated in several brawls, and was twice on the verge of being expelled from school. During that period, Jia's approach was mainly harsh scolding and physical punishment. As a result, father and son were constantly at odds, and their relationship became increasingly tense.
After much reflection, Jia decided to change his approach and use love and care to influence his son. When his son performed poorly on an exam, instead of complaining, Jia said with a warm smile, "Son, you've done quite well. Dad just realized how tough it is to be a high school student. To be honest, if I were to take the exam, I might not even score as high as you." When his son accidentally hit a child while riding his bike, incurring significant medical expenses, Jia didn't rush to blame him. Instead, he comforted his son gently, saying, "I completely understand how you feel. Everyone makes mistakes. I know you didn't mean to cause trouble." Then, he even helped his son repair the bike.
Under Jia's unconditional acceptance, respect, and encouragement, his son gradually stopped resisting and instead became diligent in his studies. Eventually, he was admitted to a prestigious university.
On the journey of parenting, when parents learn to hit the brakes on negative emotions, face their children with a calm demeanor, and use love to understand, embrace, and guide them, children will naturally shed their bad habits.
Staying Composed According to the "Report on the Current Situation of Parent-Child Education in China," 87% of parents experience anxiety, with nearly 20% suffering from moderate anxiety and 7% from severe anxiety. In today's increasingly competitive educational environment, more and more children are being pushed forward by anxious parents. They are like tightly wound springs, constantly pressured to study without a moment's rest.
But does this approach really ensure that children get a head start in life? The answer is no. Consider the case of a 10-year-old boy who scored 99.5 points on an exam but was still berated by his father: "Why only 99.5 points? What happened to the other 0.5 points?" Immediately afterward, his mother assigned him a mountain of additional exercises that seemed never-ending. Under this overwhelming psychological pressure, the boy was pushed to the brink and developed hysteria.
Parents' blind pursuit of academic excellence and excessive anxiety can only drag their children into a bottomless abyss. Mr. Black, the founder of the concept of slow parenting, once said, "Ninety percent of the parenting challenges faced by Chinese parents stem from their impatience."
When we take a step back and calm our minds, we'll realize that most of our anxiety originates from within ourselves. Business magnate Kai-Fu Lee, whenever asked about his childhood learning experiences, would smile and say, "I just played, all kinds of play." He was a mischievous child, often causing chaos at home, but his parents were incredibly tolerant and saw his uniqueness.
When he didn't feel like reviewing his lessons, reading comic books was fine; when he didn't want to attend tutoring classes, going fishing was perfectly acceptable. Once, he deliberately set the alarm back an hour to avoid getting up early, almost causing the whole family to be late. Instead of punishing him, his mother thought he was incredibly smart, fun, and had strong hands-on abilities. When he showed a passion for "The Complete Sherlock Holmes," his mother bought him the entire set.
Thanks to his parents' relaxed and inclusive approach to education, Kai-Fu Lee maintained a strong sense of curiosity about the world. His habit of disassembling and reassembling various small items, for example, significantly enhanced his thinking and practical skills. In the end, their laid-back parenting style gave rise to an outstanding individual.
The poem "In Your Own Time Zone" beautifully expresses, "Everyone in the world has their own development time zone. They are all in their own time zone, and you are in yours. Everything is perfectly on schedule in the time zone that destiny has arranged for you." When parents let go of unnecessary anxiety and maintain a relaxed and stable mindset, children will naturally find their own paths in life.
In the words of educator Yin Jianli, "The love of parents is as deep as the ocean, but there are differences in quality. What determines the quality is not the parents' education, income, or status, but their understanding of their children and their ability to handle details." When we control our words, manage our emotions, and let go of anxiety, quietly watching over our children's growth, home becomes the warmest haven for them, and parents become the people they rely on most. Children will then grow towards the light, pursue their dreams, and live out their own wonderful lives.
Let us all strive to be parents who can speak slowly, appear calm, and stay composed, guiding our children on the path to a bright future.