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This article is from the WeChat official account: BOSS Direct Hire (ID: bosszhipin), the author: Zhou Jue, the editor: Wen Yu, and the caption is from BOSS Direct Hire (provided by respondents)

Article Summary

The article tells the growth experience and emotional journey of young artist Lan Yi, from depression to rediscovering his own feelings and creative motivation. By reviewing his grandmother's story, he seeks self-awareness and life meaning.

• •    Lan Yi bravely faced depression, gradually freeing himself from the pursuit of external expectations and starting to truly follow his inner feelings

• •    Lan Yi regained his love and creative drive for painting by creating abstract paintings and exhibition projects

• •    Grandma's story inspired Lan Yi's reflection on the situation and mental illness of women, helping her to live and create with more confidence

In 2022, young artist Lan Yi began a family history project about his grandmother, exploring her life. Grandma is a crazy person. She slept with her grandmother before the age of three, and her grandmother loved her the most ("she can scold others but not me"), but she didn't understand her before working on this project. She learned about her grandmother's life experiences through interviews and presented her grandmother Su Mei's life through text, installations, paintings, and other forms. In the spring of 2024, she set up an exhibition with two other artists in a newly created space in Guangzhou, with the theme of "Questioning Silence: A Three Person Exhibition of Family History".

After watching the exhibition, many people praised Lan Yi for her bravery, but Lan Yi said that she was "actually very selfish" and "studying my grandmother is to study myself.". She found that her grandmother was closely related to the topic of her life - although she went crazy, she was an uncompromising woman. She saw a story about how a woman who had been customized for a lifetime derailed, albeit in a passive and tragic way.

She herself is also someone who needs to "derail". She grew up in a comparative atmosphere because her family's children were particularly good at reading - her cousin was the top scorer in a certain province's humanities, and she was recommended to the National People's Congress - and she had a habit of thinking about whether she was competitive since childhood.

A sense of crisis and self-examination always accompany her. She is afraid of being unattractive, so she particularly likes to wear white dresses when dressing, always dressing up in a "nice wedding style"; When participating in crowded activities, she would first shave off her hands and legs... For a long time, her intuition was used to observe whether men like me and how to make them like me; As a young artist, she is in great need of exhibition opportunities, and she feels that the voice is in the hands of the men around her.

Before starting her grandmother's project, she had just experienced two to three years of severe depression. She loved drawing since she was young, and later learned art. After graduation, she became an illustrator who received commercial orders, earning a considerable income. After being depressed, she couldn't draw at all, and when she picked up the paintbrush, she was full of doubt about every stroke. "I could have been a tool person and lived happily ever after, but suddenly I felt that everything was meaningless. Your structure was shattered, and you didn't believe in your own judgment, abilities, or what you had done."

The diagnosed depression around the age of 30 became the turning point in her life. In the two years after being depressed and unable to draw, she spent a lot of time confirming how she should live and gradually "picking up" her feelings. She put back the talent she had originally used to please the outside world onto herself. Her work has also undergone a huge shift - she no longer accepts commercial orders, and her painting style has shifted from concrete, easy to understand, and marketable to abstract. As a result, she has transformed from a well paid illustrator to an artist earning five to six thousand yuan per month.

After becoming an artist, she and her cat at home were downgraded in consumption. Previously, she would spend three to four thousand yuan on a piece of clothing. Now, she wears pants for 29.9 yuan each; The cat food has also been changed from 600 yuan per bag to 88 yuan per bag. But her condition began to improve during this process, and her fear and suspicion of drawing gradually dissipated. She is no longer worried about not looking good, and when she has her hair cut, she will ask the barber to give her a "smart" rather than a "nice" hairstyle.

In the past, she used to worry like many people that being an artist would starve to death, but now she realizes that people can live in the way of artists. That is to say, people can live honestly by following their own feelings without becoming tools, catering to or pursuing social conformity.

Here is Lan Yi's self description:

depressed

Around the age of 30, I became depressed. Depression is severe and lacks motivation to do anything. For two years, I didn't do anything, didn't go out, didn't socialize, and I left all the groups. I can't draw, every time I draw, I question what I mean by drawing like this and why I choose this color. It happened to be an epidemic at that time. I was going to study in France and could not go there. I played Animal Crossing for two years, watching sunrise and shooting stars in the forest.

I used to be an illustrator. After graduating as a graduate student from Guangzhou Academy of Fine Arts in 2016, I collaborated with many commercial brands to create illustrations and IPs. During that time, my income was considerable. But when it comes to accepting a business order, you need to consider whether this thing is easy to sell. You need to please the client and the market. I used to use recruitment software to find jobs, and they hoped that the lower your education, the better. He thinks that graduate school is too troublesome, and he needs someone who is more obedient and can complete illustrations quickly.

My mom said you went to graduate school just to get into college, so I went to Guangmei to teach painting for over a year, but I felt very frustrated. I used to teach drawing online, and at most, more than 1000 people attended the class. They were very interested in drawing, which made me very excited. But the students in the college are not very interested in what you teach, and they don't even come to class. They always seem to want to finish this task quickly and complete the credits.

This makes me have great doubts about teaching in universities. I feel like I am a part of someone else completing a certain target, meeting the student's target, meeting the college's target, and drawing things you don't want to draw. The degree of freedom is not as good as that of a business order. So for a while, I was particularly weak and didn't want to do too much.

I could have been a tool person and lived happily ever after, but suddenly I felt that everything was meaningless. Your structure was shattered, and you didn't believe in your own judgment, abilities, or what you had done. I have many doubts. I have found that many art education programs turn people into tools and only teach techniques, but there is no humanistic care or expression behind this.

Before feeling depressed, I went to France. I was chatting with a French teacher and I said I'm not very sociable. I can't get along with some illustrators who make commercial orders. The teacher said, "Do you want to be an artist?"? Being an artist doesn't require social interaction. Artists should pursue the truth. What is the truth you want to pursue? I was confused at the time, I never knew what an artist was going to do. I don't know what I want to pursue, what the truth is, I have no ideas at all, everything is told by others how to do better.

I also see those artists who don't pursue a universal way of life. After completing a performance art, they go back to serving dishes, and then they do another performance art and go back to serving dishes. They choose not to be tools and place art in a very important position, not letting other things consume it. Doing commercial illustrations will consume my enthusiasm for drawing, causing me to always draw those things. If you subconsciously please something, you will forget that you need to please yourself the most. When you always care about others' feelings, you will forget that you also have feelings.

At the end of 2016, Lan Yi filmed a promotional video in an IP collaboration

My feelings

I never thought about what kind of life I wanted to lead before going to France. I heard my mother say that pursuing a graduate degree is great, and being a good teacher or someone saying this is good, that is good... Before, when I went to participate in activities with many people, I would first shave off my hands and legs. I also wanted to go for plastic surgery. I have always felt that I am not good-looking. I am 1.71 meters tall compared to many boys in the south, and I am too white among people in Hainan. Therefore, I constantly examine when I am not good-looking and whether they find me strange. I feel that I need to fit certain positioning, so I particularly like to wear white dresses and dress up in a very wedding style.

I used to have many feelings, but I don't know how to express them. For example, if I always feel like someone is staring at me, my mom would say it's because he thinks you look good, but I feel uncomfortable. I realized after thinking for a long time that I hate being stared at.

Before, my teacher often asked me to have dinner together. I used to feel that my teacher was taking care of me. At that time, I was 27 years old and needed exhibition opportunities very much. When I was almost 30, he asked me to go out for dinner less frequently. One time, the teacher said, "You look no different from those in your early 20s now.". I felt very uncomfortable at the time, but I don't know why. Now I know that being 20 years old is his standard for looking at girls, and I used to be happy to meet his standards, but now I feel very disgusted. Later on, he invited me out for dinner again, and I said there was a feminist event that he wouldn't go to today. He never came to me again.

When I look back at my exhibition opportunities now, I have fought for them all by myself. These teachers didn't help me at all, and even gave me strange ideas, "You draw cats and dogs, others like girls to draw these things." I now think about what the hell these are all.

For a long time, my intuition has been used to observe whether men like me and how to make them like me. It's not just about intimate relationships. You feel that the men in your surroundings have a voice, and many of your decisions are made by others. You need to gain resources by pleasing others. If you feel comfortable with them, they will give you some attention, which is important to you. But in fact, these are not as important as you imagine. I am now using all my talents to understand myself and devote myself to what I want to do.

Around the age of 30, I had a lot of reflection and made many decisions. I have been in a competitive atmosphere since I was young. Our family's children are particularly good at reading. My cousin is the top scorer in a certain province's humanities, and she was recommended to the National People's Congress. Since childhood, I have been accustomed to thinking about whether I am competitive or not, and I have always felt a sense of crisis. Especially when I was almost 30 years old, they kept saying "the best time" and "what women do when is determined by their genes", which made me particularly anxious.

My ex boyfriend who has been with me for 10 years proposed to me, saying that he would make money to buy a house and have a child, and all of this was like a countdown urging me. But after thinking for a long time, I realized that I don't like children at all, nor do I like family life. I have decided not to have children and to break up with my ex boyfriend. I believe that life is determined by myself, not by genetics.

I never really thought about my own feelings before. For example, if I want to improve my grades, I won't go play. But what does having good grades mean to me? Although I have loved drawing since I was young, I chose art largely because my cousin is too talented. I don't want to be included in the comparison system of the college entrance examination with her. When I studied art, no one compared me. No one in our family does art, and they can't evaluate me.

My mother is a very anxious mother. She enrolled me in many interest classes since childhood, such as dancing, playing chess, calligraphy, and playing the piano. Apart from drawing, I didn't persist in any of them. I started drawing by myself at the age of three. I have a special skill that allows me to draw water, ice, and moon upside down. My classmate behind me sees the moon upside down and says, "Wow, you're amazing. You can actually draw upside down.". I particularly enjoy drawing girls, and I also enjoy drawing girls without clothes. Drawing is my intuitive choice, and I can achieve things that girls should not do.

During the two years when I was depressed and unable to draw, I took medication and slept every day. When I didn't do anything, I was also very anxious. One night, I fiddled with my iPad before going to bed. The next morning, I woke up and found that I had an extra picture, and I didn't even remember drawing. Later, I followed suit and unconsciously drew 160 pictures while taking sleeping pills, forming the InnerSymbol series.

InnerSymbol series

I asked the doctor if this medication would cause hallucinations, and if I had drawn them down. He said no, but this medication would make you do what you usually don't dare to do but want to do the most. Suddenly, I realized that the thing I most want to do in my daily life is drawing. This was actually a very powerless choice, and during that time I could only draw with my unconsciousness. I feel like that "she" is asking for help, hoping that I will wake up from despair. She keeps telling me that "I" have subjectivity, and I have presented it for you. The next thing is up to you to do.

Everyone thinks that the InnerSymbol series is the best thing I have painted. Because you feel more direct, without so much framework constraints, there is no need to weigh composition, light, and color depth. Without so much consideration, just draw.

grandmother

However, for a long time, I still felt that painting was very meaningless. It wasn't until I started working on the project of questioning my grandmother's life that I suddenly realized that painting was still useful - I could convey my feelings through visual language.

After the grandmother project was completed, I felt that some things had been rebuilt. Telling about my grandmother's life has reshaped my perspective on the situation of women and mental illness. I have recently heard many people say that I am brave, but I know that I am actually very selfish. Studying my grandmother is to study myself, and in this process, I feel like I have been saved by her. Her experience was a great shock to me. Although she went crazy, she is an uncompromising woman. I found that she has a great relationship with the topic of my life - how does a woman who has been customized for a lifetime derail? My grandmother's way of getting off track is certainly very painful, can I be more proactive in my approach?

I have always felt that I have a strong connection with my grandmother. I slept with her before I was three years old, but I don't know why. Then when she went crazy, my mother said, "You go first.". She asks her grandmother the first thing she says every day, "Did you take your medicine today?"? My grandmother takes a lot of medicine every day, so I took medication pills and made a portrait of her. After taking the medicine, my grandmother didn't say anything and sat there without any reaction; If she doesn't take her medicine, she will keep scolding the air and scold anyone she sees. But I'm not afraid of her. She has been in my life since I can remember. She loves me the most, and she shifts her pain to something else. She can curse others but not me.

Lan Yi's work, "Research on Grandmother's Astrolabe"

When the depression was severe, I kept denying that I was sick. For a while, I planned to jump off a building in a deserted place. One night, I couldn't fall asleep and was too tired. When I woke up from sleep, my mind was filled with images of my grandmother smiling at me. I thought I really needed to go see a doctor. The next day, I went to the psychiatric department to register, and to some extent, I was saved by my grandmother. She reminded me not to deny this matter, just accept it.

Our family feels ashamed that my grandmother has a mental illness. After my grandmother and grandfather divorced, my mother became her guardian. My grandmother got lost several times, but later the police were too lazy to look for her. Every time, it was my mother who went to look for her after work in the middle of the night. I also realized when I was working on this project that my mother is a very amazing person. She doesn't think there is any problem with mental illness, she thinks she loves me, and I should love her too.

Regarding my grandmother, there is a lot of silence and avoidance in the family, and my mother is unaware of many things. There are many versions circulating in the family about how my grandmother went crazy. The facts are constantly changing in the narratives of different people, and I need to cross check a lot of information.

When chatting with my grandmother's neighbors, they would say that a good person can go crazy. My grandmother was so good before, clear and beautiful, spoke softly, beautiful and dignified, and was a very perfect woman. But compared to a perfect woman, I prefer to believe what I feel after she goes crazy. For example, in the last four years of her life, she suffered a pelvic injury, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't take care of herself, and later refused to eat. She wanted to leave - although she was crazy, she had her own will. They ignored this will and took her to the hospital for a nutritional injection, so I kept her sentence in my work: "I'm going to heaven." She had been waiting for this moment for so many years.

I also wrote down that the day before her death, she instructed her daughter to notify her ex husband to come and see her, but her daughter did not notify her of this. My uncle didn't mention this matter, it was my mother who did. Later, when checking the information with my uncle, he deleted this sentence and I added it again. They feel that my grandmother is not important, there is no need to believe what a crazy woman says, her feelings do not need to be responded to, but they feel ashamed for not responding to this matter.

During the process of working on this project, my mother also underwent some changes. She used to tell me that I was depressed because I thought too much. I said you're looking at your grandmother, do you think she's overthinking? At first, she would be silent, but later when she learned about my grandmother's specific experience, she respected my feelings even more. I told her that I was not feeling well, and she would never say that you could hold back or think too much.

Before, she used to like to ask me to have dinner with various leaders. I said I had a date with a classmate, but she said you pushed her off. Now I say I don't want to go, and she won't force me anymore. I don't need to continue explaining the reason. Of course, this is also because I am more certain of my feelings.

"As long as you're alive, it's good."

I was very frustrated for a while, and I told the psychoanalyst that I didn't even have a job. Am I, like my father, also an unemployed wanderer? He said it's strange. Isn't your job an artist? Why isn't there a job? I think so, but my career scope is a bit vague. A friend recently invented a new vocabulary called comprehensive employment, which is very useful for everyone and solves the silence when others ask us about our careers.

A documentary director's sister said, "You don't need to do anything. In your current state, as long as you don't give up on yourself, others will also be motivated to see you. As long as you live, it's good - because I'm not like others, I'll do whatever's good, but I still survive and I can live well.".

After returning from France, my painting style shifted from concrete, easy to understand, and easy to sell to abstract. I didn't take on commercial illustrations and started creating purely artistic works. In the past two years, I have been doing psychoanalytic counseling and grandmother's projects, and my condition has gradually improved. I'm not that afraid of drawing anymore. I've been buying new canvases lately.

My current life is quite different from taking business orders. I used to spend three to four thousand on a piece of clothing, but now I buy pants for 29.9 yuan. A while ago, I saw someone throw away a very new sofa, so I moved it back home and replaced it with a sofa that had been used for 7 years and had been torn into rags by cats. The house was completely new. My mother sometimes mentions that my grandfather uses Maotai as cooking wine when cooking at home. But Maotai or cooking wine doesn't make any difference to me. Why do I do something I don't like just to use Maotai as cooking wine?

I can now devote all my time and energy to my creations. I usually draw and write articles at home, work a few days a week, and in the remaining time, I communicate with artists, psychoanalysts, attend lectures, and sometimes I am the main speaker. Last week, I was doing a tour of my grandmother's exhibition. I wanted to have a conversation with people and get feedback from everyone. Next, I have a personal history project about my own creation that needs to be implemented.

I currently earn five to six thousand yuan a month from subsidies and teaching for artist projects, and I have little income from drawing abstract paintings. My current material life is probably about having something, it doesn't matter if I don't have it.

The cost of living in Guangzhou is very low. My boyfriend and I rented a 120 square meter house together for 3800 yuan. Artists and friends around us are all very poor, and everyone eats very cheap together. They either cook at home or go to a personal cafeteria to eat. They pick up dragons at noon and dragons at night. If you want to go and eat, you can give them 20 yuan. Those who go to eat are those who study art, anthropology and sociology, and those who cannot make money. Everyone is in this state of life, and you won't feel any pressure.

I used to feel like I had no creativity at all. For a while, I was often taught by some male artists that you should quickly go to Beijing and Shanghai to work hard. If you don't become famous at your age, you won't be able to become famous. Some people say that the behavior you did before is not considered performance art at all. Some people also say that drawing like that is more powerful.

I have been passively shaken, and I will learn many techniques. There was a time when I would draw very specific and powerful things. I am gradually establishing my own thinking system and starting to worry less about the opinions of others. During those two years of depression, it seemed like I didn't do anything, but I was actually trying to pick up my feelings.

Until now, self doubt still appears in many moments, such as watching an artist's work this morning, which is too good for me to draw. But I thought to myself, why should I compare myself to him? I just need to do my own thing. When I was working on my grandmother's project, I was exhibiting with two other anthropologists. I was worried that my writing would be like an elementary school essay when placed with them, and I was worried about whether others could understand my presentation. However, in fact, I had an advantage in using images, and I was also very satisfied with the presentation of the exhibition. Being satisfied with oneself requires practice.

Art requires narcissism. Why are there so many male artists? They can be narcissistic without any cost, while women need a lot to feel like I can do it well.

Now I don't need those things to prove myself. After three years of meaningless creation and going through the InnerSymbol series, I realized that I don't need anything to prove my talent and creativity. You can create unconsciously, which proves everything.

I think Mori saved my life. When I am disappointed in everything, I still have the ability to build an island of my own in Dongsen, and I the final say everything. I can't sleep, my friend said you're looking for me. There's a shooting star tonight, so we'll stay in the forest and watch it all night. There are many trees planted on my island, and we enjoyed playing hide and seek for a while. Everyone hides behind the trees, and you use a net to catch them. It's very childish, but very enjoyable. I used to deny the significance of this matter and thought it was a waste of time, but now I feel that if you experience it and feel happy, that's enough? I am constantly learning to confirm my feelings.

The visuals in Lan Yi's film work "Sea, Self talk"

This article is from WeChat official account: BOSS Direct Hire (ID: bosszhipin), author: Zhou Jue, editor: Wen Yu

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